Posted by Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries

Following the most recent ruling in the long-running USAPA legal case, the union has decided to sue the presiding judge in the case, Judge Neil V. Lake.

While Judge Lake was delivering the ruling denying USAPA’s request for dismissal of the case, he reportedly raised his eyebrows numerous times and raised his voice toward USAPA’s counsel. USAPA’s complaint repeatedly discusses this “hostile attitude toward the defendant” and requests a change of venue for the AWA pilots vs. USAPA case, as well as punitive damages of $200 million.

“We are extremely disappointed with the lack of cooperation expressed by the Judge during this case. The harsh words in his complaint caused Union leaders to be unable to answer the toll-free safety hotline, and his blatant disregard for the Union’s case has caused immense harm to the Union as well as the hard-working BOS, CLT, DCA, LGA, and PHL-based pilots of US Airways. We are troubled by the events that have happened in his courtroom and feel the only way to obtain a fair hearing is to show him who’s boss,” noted Steve Bradford, President of USAPA.

When asked for comment, Judge Lake started muttering “How did I end up with this case?” and walked away.

This case marks the 15th legal action implemented by USAPA since the Union’s certification in April 2008.

When asked how the Union would be financing the legal bills, USAPA Spokesman, Captain James Ray, noted “The Union received a credit line increase on the Union’s US Airways Business Mastercard last week. As a result, the Union has enough funding to keep all programs fully functional, except for the ASAP program which we ended this week.”

Posted by B.N. Gone

Reflecting the effects of spending too much time under the hot Arizona sun, confused network/low-cost airline US Airways today announced a new ancillary revenue scheme: Allowing passengers to pay extra if they want a smooth landing.

US Airways said that prior to beginning descent, its pilots will make an announcement on the PA informing passengers of their options. There’s no charge if passengers will accept a landing with three or more bounces, no reverse thrust, and a shriek from a flight attendant. A landing with two bounces, no reverse thrust, but no shrieking flight attendant, will cost $2 per passenger. A single bounce landing, which includes reverse thrust, will cost $5 per passenger. A smooth landing, which includes reverse thrust and an announcement from the Captain thanking the passengers for flying US Airways, will cost $15 per passenger.

US Airways says all revenue passengers must participate or the deal is null. Flight attendants will collect payments, which will have to be made via credit or debit card and which are non-refundable. When asked why passengers wouldn’t get their money back if not everyone participated, airline CEO “Dollar” Doug Parker said “We’re greedy and our passengers know we have perfected the art of nickeling and diming them, so they won’t really care.”