Posted by Rusty Bucket

Construction of the O’Hare modernization project has ground to a halt due to the withholding of crucial modernization funds from the State of Illinois. Aviation Dally has learned that any further disbursement of state funds has been frozen by Governor Rod Blagojevich, who has demanded from American and United Airlines lifetime status as Executive Platinum and 1K, lifetime membership in the Admirals Club and Red Carpet Club, and an annual deposit into his and his wife’s frequent flier accounts of 500,000 miles from both carriers. Carrier representatives did not respond to repeated phone call and e-mail requests for comment.

Posted by Tung Incheek

In a unique and infrequent opportunity in their home state, United sought to improve its lobbying efforts by investing in its own senator. The airline is also seizing the opportunity to share some of the expense associated with purchasing a senate seat by allowing frequent fliers to buy their own time of the yet to be named senator by bidding their frequent flyer miles.

CEO Glenn Tilton, was reportedly interested in being named to the seat, assuming he could find a merger partner and train his replacement in time. If not, a key retiring United executive would be nominated to fill the open slot.

United’s marketing team is reported to have been measuring the Senate chamber seats for a United branded seat that would be visible on regular C-Span broadcasts.

One of the requirements of being named Senator of the United states of America (strike the word America from the reports, as American was not willing to share in the cost of the senator) is appearing regularly on cable new shows, and mentioning United Airlines no less than twice per appearance.

Posted by William U. Knight

United announced that it launched its newest low-fare branded airline, Nit, as the centerpiece of its strategy to reach frugal customers in these difficult economic times. “Nit is part of United,” airline CEO Glenn Tilton said at a press conference in Chicago. “It conveys a dual message, appealing to customers nitpicking with their airline for discounts and to our strategy of nitpicking with our customers on every possible fee or charge. Nit will bring a strong, unified brand message to United.”

“Nit will offer customers a great deal on travel,” added John Tague, United’s COO. “Customers will be amazed at all the freebies we’re throwing in.” According to the airline’s press release, customers will enjoy “complimentary use of the tray table, seat recline function, air conditioning, overhead reading light, overhead luggage compartment, boarding door and jetway, and even 29 free inches of seat pitch.” Nit will also hold down fares by giving passengers the opportunity to pay a variety of onboard and preboarding Elite Service Gratuities for above-and-beyond amenities, such as checked luggage and drinking water. Nit will operate Boeing 737-300 aircraft in a single-class configuration.

House Transportation Committee chairman James Oberstar (D-ALPA) praised the move by United and urged the FAA to grant swift certification to Nit. “Nit will also help our troubled economy by creating long-lasting jobs in the aircraft-painting and strategy-consulting sectors,” he said. “Not only will Nit employ these sectors during its creation, but it will also sustain these jobs when United folds it back into the main airline three years from now.”

Posted by B.N. Gone

United Airlines today announced a major marketing push to launch numerous new United branded products and services as the struggling airline moves to increase revenue.

United’s marketing chief, Dennis “Doesn’t” Cary, said the initiative will help it “confuse the customer into parting with more of their cash.” Among the airline’s efforts are branding each of its Economy seats: UnitedWindow, UnitedMiddle, and UnitedAisle. On its widebody aircraft, like the 777, the airline will offer additional descriptions for the center seating block: UnitedMiddleLeft, UnitedMiddleMiddle, and UnitedMiddleRight.

“We spent $750,000 on focus groups in five cities to get this right,” said Cary. Asked if the various widebody middle seat terms would be applied from the passengers’ perspective as they looked forward or aft, Cary tersely responded “We’ll have to do more focus groups on that.”

Other moves include rebranding aircraft lavatories as “UnitedToilette” and the aircraft’s tap water as “UnitedAqua.”

“Being multicultural is important when you’re a global airline like American, I mean United,” said Cary, in a slip referring to his former employer.

Cary said that ancillary revenue growth was behind the airline’s moves.

“We’re a premium airline, so we feel it’s only fair to nickel and dime the customer every chance we get,” said Cary. “No one will pay extra for a middle seat. But UnitedMiddle? UnitedToilette? We can charge an extra five dollars for that.”

Cary said this is all part of the airline’s effort to create new sources of revenue. “We figure if we keep this up, we can make more money from ancillary revenue than actually selling airline tickets. How cool is that?”

Posted by A.T. Cee

United is partnering with popular reality TV show The Biggest Loser in a bid to help passengers slim down. To do this the airline plans to eliminate major components of its current catering program on transcontinental and international flights.

“We know that our passengers really do appreciate all of the goodies and ‘extras’ associated with our meal service — they tell us this in the surveys we collect but mostly ignore,” said a United spokeswoman. “But passengers don’t really need all of those extra calories, so we’re helping them get healthy.”

In concert with dietitians and trainers from the NBC show, in which teams of obese contestants compete to lose the most weight, United has reviewed calorie and fat counts from its menus and adjusted the catering.

On transcontinental and international flights — where United has already cut back meal service for business and first-class passengers — the airline will now eliminate entree and dessert service entirely. “Customers will still be able to enjoy a handful of healthy nuts along with drinks, plus a small salad,” the spokeswoman said. On flights that feature snack boxes for purchase, the company will now sell small satchels of seeds and grains.

For management, the partnership with The Biggest Loser is in keeping with a broader strategic plan. “This is yet another exciting offering in United’s suite of products and services for our passengers. This will help us fit more customers into that suite!” said the airline’s Dennis Cary. “We believe passengers will associate United with a popular TV show, The Biggest Loser, and, well, the positive associations are obvious.”