Posted by Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries

Following the most recent ruling in the long-running USAPA legal case, the union has decided to sue the presiding judge in the case, Judge Neil V. Lake.

While Judge Lake was delivering the ruling denying USAPA’s request for dismissal of the case, he reportedly raised his eyebrows numerous times and raised his voice toward USAPA’s counsel. USAPA’s complaint repeatedly discusses this “hostile attitude toward the defendant” and requests a change of venue for the AWA pilots vs. USAPA case, as well as punitive damages of $200 million.

“We are extremely disappointed with the lack of cooperation expressed by the Judge during this case. The harsh words in his complaint caused Union leaders to be unable to answer the toll-free safety hotline, and his blatant disregard for the Union’s case has caused immense harm to the Union as well as the hard-working BOS, CLT, DCA, LGA, and PHL-based pilots of US Airways. We are troubled by the events that have happened in his courtroom and feel the only way to obtain a fair hearing is to show him who’s boss,” noted Steve Bradford, President of USAPA.

When asked for comment, Judge Lake started muttering “How did I end up with this case?” and walked away.

This case marks the 15th legal action implemented by USAPA since the Union’s certification in April 2008.

When asked how the Union would be financing the legal bills, USAPA Spokesman, Captain James Ray, noted “The Union received a credit line increase on the Union’s US Airways Business Mastercard last week. As a result, the Union has enough funding to keep all programs fully functional, except for the ASAP program which we ended this week.”

Posted by Earl Lyons

NMB Asks NLRB for Mediation in American Airlines Case
The National Mediation Board asked the National Labor Relations Board to appoint a mediator in its dispute with American Airlines and American’s pilots represented by the Allied Pilots Association.

NMB mediator Mike Tosi said the NMB decided it needed an impartial mediator to decide who was causing the pilot negotiations to go nowhere, and he was tired of being yelled at both American and the union.


American Sues The Onion for Theft
American Airlines has filed suit against The Onion for allegedly stealing American’s marketing plans.

The Fort Worth-based carrier took the action after the national newspaper revealed in a Dec. 1 story that the carrier’s planned to charge fees to people who stayed home, were named Greg or engaged in other non-related activities.

“We think they either have a spy inside our planning committee meetings or planted a listening device,” an American executive complained.

The case, filed in U.S. District Court in Dallas, asks that The Onion pay $100 million in damages, surrender all its AAdvantage miles, sit on the tarmac for five hours without getting up to go to the bathroom and pay $50 for the first checked bag. In addition, the newspaper would be in Boarding Group 7.


US Airways Makes New Offer to Buy Delta
US Airways chairman and chief executive officer Doug Parker made a new effort to buy Delta Air Lines.

The attempt, launched in late November, was finally noticed in mid-December. Said a Delta executive: “He what?”


Northwest Airlines Flight Attendant Kills Passenger
Traveling on a Northwest Airlines flight from Detroit to Seattle, John Brannigan, a banking executive from Atlanta, called a 36-year veteran flight attendant “stewardess” and suggested that she “step on it” if she wanted to earn a good tip.

Mr. Brannigan was 59 and is survived by his wife and two grown children.


Branson Creates Airline Alliance
Sir Richard Branson announced the creation of the fourth global airline alliance, Virginworld.

“Our coalition will be focused on stopping other alliances from getting anything,” Sir Richard said.

The initial members of the alliance include Virgin Atlantic, Virgin Blue, Virgin Nigeria, Virgin America, Pogo Jets, Ralph Nader and Eliot Spitzer.

Posted by H.P. Oag

In a surprising development, American Airlines pilots have decided to increase their demands for wage improvements as the contentious negotiation process drags on. Allied Pirates Association (APA) President Cap’n Lloyd “Dollar” Hill said the union has now decided to demand an increase to 1934 wages, the year the American Airlines name was first used, with adjustments for inflation and aircraft size.

According to Hill, American’s pilots made $10,000 per year in 1934 flying “I dunno, like 10 seats or something like that.” Adjusted for inflation to 2008 dollars, this would equal approximately $160,000.

When asked what Hill had in mind regarding aircraft size adjustments, he responded, “Well, I figure that if they flew around 10 seats for that much back then, the the roughly 140 seat MD-80 drivers should pull in 14 times that amount, so $2.2 million.”

Using this equation, American’s 777 pilots would make upwards of $3.5 million per year.

“We’re really trying to be reasonable here,” Lloyd continued. “We’re willing to keep first officer wages at half captain wages, assuming that they are guaranteed a promotion to captain within six months of their hire date.”

When asked the company’s response to this proposal, American Senior Vice President of Human Resources Jeff “Cry Me a River” Brundage said, “Huh?” After reiterating the APA proposal, Brundage’s mustache immediately turned gray to finally match his hair.

“Screw those guys,” Brundage exploded. “We don’t need them anyway. [American EVP] Dan [Garton] and I will just go fly the damn things ourselves. For the millions we’ll make in our stock option program, it’s the least we can do.”