Posted by B.N. Gone

United Airlines today announced a major marketing push to launch numerous new United branded products and services as the struggling airline moves to increase revenue.

United’s marketing chief, Dennis “Doesn’t” Cary, said the initiative will help it “confuse the customer into parting with more of their cash.” Among the airline’s efforts are branding each of its Economy seats: UnitedWindow, UnitedMiddle, and UnitedAisle. On its widebody aircraft, like the 777, the airline will offer additional descriptions for the center seating block: UnitedMiddleLeft, UnitedMiddleMiddle, and UnitedMiddleRight.

“We spent $750,000 on focus groups in five cities to get this right,” said Cary. Asked if the various widebody middle seat terms would be applied from the passengers’ perspective as they looked forward or aft, Cary tersely responded “We’ll have to do more focus groups on that.”

Other moves include rebranding aircraft lavatories as “UnitedToilette” and the aircraft’s tap water as “UnitedAqua.”

“Being multicultural is important when you’re a global airline like American, I mean United,” said Cary, in a slip referring to his former employer.

Cary said that ancillary revenue growth was behind the airline’s moves.

“We’re a premium airline, so we feel it’s only fair to nickel and dime the customer every chance we get,” said Cary. “No one will pay extra for a middle seat. But UnitedMiddle? UnitedToilette? We can charge an extra five dollars for that.”

Cary said this is all part of the airline’s effort to create new sources of revenue. “We figure if we keep this up, we can make more money from ancillary revenue than actually selling airline tickets. How cool is that?”

Posted by B.N. Gone

Reflecting the effects of spending too much time under the hot Arizona sun, confused network/low-cost airline US Airways today announced a new ancillary revenue scheme: Allowing passengers to pay extra if they want a smooth landing.

US Airways said that prior to beginning descent, its pilots will make an announcement on the PA informing passengers of their options. There’s no charge if passengers will accept a landing with three or more bounces, no reverse thrust, and a shriek from a flight attendant. A landing with two bounces, no reverse thrust, but no shrieking flight attendant, will cost $2 per passenger. A single bounce landing, which includes reverse thrust, will cost $5 per passenger. A smooth landing, which includes reverse thrust and an announcement from the Captain thanking the passengers for flying US Airways, will cost $15 per passenger.

US Airways says all revenue passengers must participate or the deal is null. Flight attendants will collect payments, which will have to be made via credit or debit card and which are non-refundable. When asked why passengers wouldn’t get their money back if not everyone participated, airline CEO “Dollar” Doug Parker said “We’re greedy and our passengers know we have perfected the art of nickeling and diming them, so they won’t really care.”