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Posted by Balls Tate

Officials from Emirates attended a festive ribbon-cutting ceremony today in Dubai to launch their new “heavenly service” First Class Suite-o-Rama on their new A380 aircraft. First class travelers will be swathed in a 2,000 thread-count duvet as they lounge on their flat bed with 127” of pitch. Champagne will flow freely for these lucky passengers, as they partake in a 7-course extravaganza during meal time, featuring a menu designed by star chef Gordon “Fucking Hell” Ramsay. After dinner, guests are invited to bathe in one of the two Jacuzzis located in the front cabin.

At the same ceremony, Emirates also rolled out its new Extremely Filthy Economy product on its all-economy A380 flights between Dubai and Kolkata and Dubai and Trivandrum. Featuring no seats with no pitch, passengers will stew in their own filth, as the carrier has removed all lavatories to make room for more Indians clawing over each other to work near-slave jobs in the Emirate. A wide range of Bollywood films will not be available, as there are no seatbacks.