Posted by Michael O'Sneary

In a drastic but expected move by Boeing, this week the airframe manufacturer announced that it would be pushing back deliveries of the new 787 “Dreamliner” aircraft back to a firm May 3rd, 2063, with first flight set for January 2nd of the same year.

“Dude. This is totally the last time we’re going to move back the delivery date,” said Boeing Commercial Airplane President and CEO Scott Carson, adding “if those fuckers at Alcoa would have delivered on their goddamn fastener order we wouldn’t be in this clusterfuck, would we?”

In a separate private news meeting with top airline executives and reporters, Carson elucidated on his strategy. “The whole multiple pushback bullshit just wasn’t working anymore so we decided to come in with a different strategy: under-promise and over-deliver. Given all of the delays we’ve had to date, our projections are that the Dreamliner should be on the tarmac by April 27th, 2063… so we added
a week for unexpected delays and set the delivery date to then.”

Posted by B.N. Gone

Boeing today announced that the giant commercial aircraft manufacturer had sought advice on building its new 787 Dreamliner from a most unusual group: model airplane hobbyists.

“During the strike, we had a lot of time on our hands. And after the third or fourth day of playing golf, you start to think about other things,” said Scott “Johnny” Carson, President of Boeing Commercial Airplanes. “As we thought about it, we realized that the plane’s composite structure essentially makes this the world’s biggest model airplane. So we trolled the Internet and found these model airplane dorks on this chat room. They’ve been in Seattle for a few weeks now, and these guys are amazing. They’ve fixed half the problems already. We’ve strained Testor’s model airplane glue manufacturing capabilities, but they’ve been real cooperative. I think it’s important to let you know that we had excellent ventilation in the facility so no one got high. We promised these guys’ parents we’d take good care of them.”

Carson continued, “We also brought in Weight Watchers to help us identify areas of excess weight. They created this amazing points system – for example, a set of avionics has the same number of points as a cabin ventilation duct. It really lets us focus on what matters. We’re really pleased.”

Boeing announced that, as a result of the work from the hobbyists and Weight Watchers, the aircraft would make its first flight by March 2009.