Aviation Dally

After Europe Takeover German Sights on USA

tripunavarsky — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 18:03:27 +0000

Fresh from announcements of successful bids to take over half a dozen European airlines, German airline Lufthansa today made an audacious bid to take over the entire US aviation industry for $1. Lufthansa will be seeking a rule change to allow foreign ownership of US airlines, a move sure to frustrate Sir Richard Branson who fought for years to establish Virgin America.

A spokesperson admitted the bold move was made several hours into the head office Christmas party “when we realised our thinking was all wrong on the issues of sovereignty and competition law”. She explained to us that if Lufthansa owns all the airlines then they cannot be acting anti-competitively against each other. The major benefit being promoted is saving American jobs without requiring a US taxpayer-funded bailout.

Sir Richard Branson reacted immediately by issuing a Churchillian statement about fighting the Germans on the long beaches. In breaking news, the Aviation Dally understands Virgin Atlantic and Virgin America will soon be forced to discontinue flights from Los Angeles International (LAX) airport and move to Long Beach airport instead.

TSA Enhances Security Again

tripunavarsky — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 18:02:58 +0000

In his daily media briefing, Kip Hawley, head of TSA, today announced a range of improvements to security to protect all good Americans. These changes will come into effect midnight tonight. Hawley made no apology for the short notice for the changes saying “terrorists do not give us advance notice of their attacks so why should we give advance notice of our defensive measures?.”

The changes are summarised below.

All passengers flying within USA, to US airports, from US airports, within 1000 miles of US airspace, or on any US made aircraft, will be required to submit the following before being allowed to fly:
1. 1 pint of blood no less than 1 week prior to departure to allow positive identification of bad guys. A further sample is to be provided at the security checkpoint which will be cross-matched to verify identity. Please allow a minimum of 120 minutes for blood samples to be validated.
2. A declaration by every passenger that they are not a bad guy, signed and witnessed by a TSA agent.
Due to security checkpoints failing to identify bad things in testing, passengers will no longer be allowed to carry on any items. Passengers will also no longer be allowed to wear clothes.
Increase in security checkpoint staff levels by 90%.
Creation of a security cordon around every airport. All people that pass within 1 mile of an airport will be required to meet the same requirements as passengers. A special branch of TSA, to be called TSA At Large, will be established to enforce this regulation with an initial 50,000 agents.
A mysterious rule 28 giving extra powers to TSA. The details of which are classified.

Mr Hawley said the changes were good and necessary, adding that “anyone opposed to these security enhancements is a terrorist.”

Emirates Pushes Expansion Despite Gloom

tripunavarsky — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 18:02:15 +0000

In a response to market rumours, Emirates yesterday confirmed they are close to signing a large order with Airbus for a stretch version of the A380. The new model, designated as A380-1400, will have 2 configurations – a 1400 seat standard configuration and a super luxury version for selected routes with seating for just 100. The size of order is yet to be finalised but anticipated to be over 1,000. Delivery of the first of the A380-1200 is expected late 2009, assuming some minor wiring issues can be sorted out.

When asked how this bold move stacks up in the face of rapidly falling passenger numbers, Emirates spokesperson said the airline viewed the capacity reductions of competitors as an opportunity for expansion. At least 50 new routes have been identified in addition to opportunities to upgauge current flights from smaller aircraft.

In related news Dubai will announce tomorrow that a new island for the Dubai III World Airport catering to 500 million passengers a year have hit a snag following their consultants realisation that they had insufficient territorial waters in which to build it. An alternative design of a giant elevated airport is being considered “to better utilise our sheikdom with the added benefit of providing some much needed shade”.

American Announces Conversion of Airline to “Flying Museum”

wilberforce — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 16:06:22 +0000

American Airlines today announced the conversion of the airline to a museum.

“After reviewing the profits of the C.R. Smith Museum last quarter and realizing it had a margin greater than the airline for the past ten years, we decided to enhance shareholder value and profitability by pursuing the museum option”, exclaimed Gerard Arpey, Chairman, President, CEO, and executive chef. “This allows us to reduce tax liability as well as enhance the value of our assets.”

“The entire MD-80 fleet will be retrofitted with exhibits detailing the history of Douglas Aircraft. Interactive exhibits will be added to several rows throughout the cabin detailing the history of American as well as Commercial Aviation, as invented by American Airlines,” noted Dan “Sell it!” Garton, EVP Marketing. “We are also excited about the changes to the AAdvantage program, which will enhance benefits for all members.”

Silver status will now cost $200 per year and offer a 5% discount on an unrestricted single coach ticket, as well as 2 free bags per flight and one free snack per year. Gold memberships, now $500 per year, offer the benefits of Silver status. In addition, Gold members receive one free first class upgrade, a single 10% discount on any restricted coach ticket (subject to blackout dates), and three free drinks per year.

Platinum AAdvantage memberships, now $1500 per year, offer the same benefits as Gold and Silver status. In addition, Platinum members receive ten free first class upgrades, ten free drinks, preferential seating, and one invitation a year to the American Airlines Admirals Club at Philadelphia International Airport (passes to other clubs are available for an additional fee). Garton noted that all levels included priority boarding, priority security line access, and the award-winning American Airlines service.

The Dally has learned that no plans are in place to bring back services from the past, such as the piano bar, on the present day fleet. American executives noted that the point of converting the fleet to a museum was to preserve the flying experience as it was in late 2007.

When reminded that this move would not allow American to replace the aging MD-80 fleet, Arpey exclaimed “What? Garton told me this would be the solution to our MD-80 problem! Get Allegiant on the phone!” The Dally was quickly escorted from Arpey’s office.

USAPA Sues Federal Judge for Unfavorable Ruling, “Looking at Us Funny”

wilberforce — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 16:06:02 +0000

Following the most recent ruling in the long-running USAPA legal case, the union has decided to sue the presiding judge in the case, Judge Neil V. Lake.

While Judge Lake was delivering the ruling denying USAPA’s request for dismissal of the case, he reportedly raised his eyebrows numerous times and raised his voice toward USAPA’s counsel. USAPA’s complaint repeatedly discusses this “hostile attitude toward the defendant” and requests a change of venue for the AWA pilots vs. USAPA case, as well as punitive damages of $200 million.

“We are extremely disappointed with the lack of cooperation expressed by the Judge during this case. The harsh words in his complaint caused Union leaders to be unable to answer the toll-free safety hotline, and his blatant disregard for the Union’s case has caused immense harm to the Union as well as the hard-working BOS, CLT, DCA, LGA, and PHL-based pilots of US Airways. We are troubled by the events that have happened in his courtroom and feel the only way to obtain a fair hearing is to show him who’s boss,” noted Steve Bradford, President of USAPA.

When asked for comment, Judge Lake started muttering “How did I end up with this case?” and walked away.

This case marks the 15th legal action implemented by USAPA since the Union’s certification in April 2008.

When asked how the Union would be financing the legal bills, USAPA Spokesman, Captain James Ray, noted “The Union received a credit line increase on the Union’s US Airways Business Mastercard last week. As a result, the Union has enough funding to keep all programs fully functional, except for the ASAP program which we ended this week.”

O’Hare Expansion Threatened by Governor

rustybucket — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 16:04:47 +0000

Construction of the O’Hare modernization project has ground to a halt due to the withholding of crucial modernization funds from the State of Illinois. Aviation Dally has learned that any further disbursement of state funds has been frozen by Governor Rod Blagojevich, who has demanded from American and United Airlines lifetime status as Executive Platinum and 1K, lifetime membership in the Admirals Club and Red Carpet Club, and an annual deposit into his and his wife’s frequent flier accounts of 500,000 miles from both carriers. Carrier representatives did not respond to repeated phone call and e-mail requests for comment.

Boeing Pushes Out 787 Dreamliner Delivery Date to May 3rd, 2063

mikeosneary — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 18:11:52 +0000

In a drastic but expected move by Boeing, this week the airframe manufacturer announced that it would be pushing back deliveries of the new 787 “Dreamliner” aircraft back to a firm May 3rd, 2063, with first flight set for January 2nd of the same year.

“Dude. This is totally the last time we’re going to move back the delivery date,” said Boeing Commercial Airplane President and CEO Scott Carson, adding “if those fuckers at Alcoa would have delivered on their goddamn fastener order we wouldn’t be in this clusterfuck, would we?”

In a separate private news meeting with top airline executives and reporters, Carson elucidated on his strategy. “The whole multiple pushback bullshit just wasn’t working anymore so we decided to come in with a different strategy: under-promise and over-deliver. Given all of the delays we’ve had to date, our projections are that the Dreamliner should be on the tarmac by April 27th, 2063… so we added
a week for unexpected delays and set the delivery date to then.”

United Invests in Illinois Senate Seat

tungincheek — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 18:02:09 +0000

In a unique and infrequent opportunity in their home state, United sought to improve its lobbying efforts by investing in its own senator. The airline is also seizing the opportunity to share some of the expense associated with purchasing a senate seat by allowing frequent fliers to buy their own time of the yet to be named senator by bidding their frequent flyer miles.

CEO Glenn Tilton, was reportedly interested in being named to the seat, assuming he could find a merger partner and train his replacement in time. If not, a key retiring United executive would be nominated to fill the open slot.

United’s marketing team is reported to have been measuring the Senate chamber seats for a United branded seat that would be visible on regular C-Span broadcasts.

One of the requirements of being named Senator of the United states of America (strike the word America from the reports, as American was not willing to share in the cost of the senator) is appearing regularly on cable new shows, and mentioning United Airlines no less than twice per appearance.

News Briefs: American’s Marketing Plans, US Airways Merger Efforts, and More

earllyons — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 17:48:52 +0000

NMB Asks NLRB for Mediation in American Airlines Case
The National Mediation Board asked the National Labor Relations Board to appoint a mediator in its dispute with American Airlines and American’s pilots represented by the Allied Pilots Association.

NMB mediator Mike Tosi said the NMB decided it needed an impartial mediator to decide who was causing the pilot negotiations to go nowhere, and he was tired of being yelled at both American and the union.

American Sues The Onion for Theft
American Airlines has filed suit against The Onion for allegedly stealing American’s marketing plans.

The Fort Worth-based carrier took the action after the national newspaper revealed in a Dec. 1 story that the carrier’s planned to charge fees to people who stayed home, were named Greg or engaged in other non-related activities.

“We think they either have a spy inside our planning committee meetings or planted a listening device,” an American executive complained.

The case, filed in U.S. District Court in Dallas, asks that The Onion pay $100 million in damages, surrender all its AAdvantage miles, sit on the tarmac for five hours without getting up to go to the bathroom and pay $50 for the first checked bag. In addition, the newspaper would be in Boarding Group 7.

US Airways Makes New Offer to Buy Delta
US Airways chairman and chief executive officer Doug Parker made a new effort to buy Delta Air Lines.

The attempt, launched in late November, was finally noticed in mid-December. Said a Delta executive: “He what?”

Northwest Airlines Flight Attendant Kills Passenger
Traveling on a Northwest Airlines flight from Detroit to Seattle, John Brannigan, a banking executive from Atlanta, called a 36-year veteran flight attendant “stewardess” and suggested that she “step on it” if she wanted to earn a good tip.

Mr. Brannigan was 59 and is survived by his wife and two grown children.

Branson Creates Airline Alliance
Sir Richard Branson announced the creation of the fourth global airline alliance, Virginworld.

“Our coalition will be focused on stopping other alliances from getting anything,” Sir Richard said.

The initial members of the alliance include Virgin Atlantic, Virgin Blue, Virgin Nigeria, Virgin America, Pogo Jets, Ralph Nader and Eliot Spitzer.

United Launches Low-Fare Airline Nit

willknight — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 17:39:11 +0000

United announced that it launched its newest low-fare branded airline, Nit, as the centerpiece of its strategy to reach frugal customers in these difficult economic times. “Nit is part of United,” airline CEO Glenn Tilton said at a press conference in Chicago. “It conveys a dual message, appealing to customers nitpicking with their airline for discounts and to our strategy of nitpicking with our customers on every possible fee or charge. Nit will bring a strong, unified brand message to United.”

“Nit will offer customers a great deal on travel,” added John Tague, United’s COO. “Customers will be amazed at all the freebies we’re throwing in.” According to the airline’s press release, customers will enjoy “complimentary use of the tray table, seat recline function, air conditioning, overhead reading light, overhead luggage compartment, boarding door and jetway, and even 29 free inches of seat pitch.” Nit will also hold down fares by giving passengers the opportunity to pay a variety of onboard and preboarding Elite Service Gratuities for above-and-beyond amenities, such as checked luggage and drinking water. Nit will operate Boeing 737-300 aircraft in a single-class configuration.

House Transportation Committee chairman James Oberstar (D-ALPA) praised the move by United and urged the FAA to grant swift certification to Nit. “Nit will also help our troubled economy by creating long-lasting jobs in the aircraft-painting and strategy-consulting sectors,” he said. “Not only will Nit employ these sectors during its creation, but it will also sustain these jobs when United folds it back into the main airline three years from now.”

United to Launch Dozens of New Branded Products to Boost Ancillary Revenue

bngone — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 17:30:46 +0000

United Airlines today announced a major marketing push to launch numerous new United branded products and services as the struggling airline moves to increase revenue.

United’s marketing chief, Dennis “Doesn’t” Cary, said the initiative will help it “confuse the customer into parting with more of their cash.” Among the airline’s efforts are branding each of its Economy seats: UnitedWindow, UnitedMiddle, and UnitedAisle. On its widebody aircraft, like the 777, the airline will offer additional descriptions for the center seating block: UnitedMiddleLeft, UnitedMiddleMiddle, and UnitedMiddleRight.

“We spent $750,000 on focus groups in five cities to get this right,” said Cary. Asked if the various widebody middle seat terms would be applied from the passengers’ perspective as they looked forward or aft, Cary tersely responded “We’ll have to do more focus groups on that.”

Other moves include rebranding aircraft lavatories as “UnitedToilette” and the aircraft’s tap water as “UnitedAqua.”

“Being multicultural is important when you’re a global airline like American, I mean United,” said Cary, in a slip referring to his former employer.

Cary said that ancillary revenue growth was behind the airline’s moves.

“We’re a premium airline, so we feel it’s only fair to nickel and dime the customer every chance we get,” said Cary. “No one will pay extra for a middle seat. But UnitedMiddle? UnitedToilette? We can charge an extra five dollars for that.”

Cary said this is all part of the airline’s effort to create new sources of revenue. “We figure if we keep this up, we can make more money from ancillary revenue than actually selling airline tickets. How cool is that?”

Virgin America Turns Down Chicago/O’Hare Gates Due to “Bad Vibe”

hpoag — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 17:15:11 +0000

Virgin America CEO DAAve Cush announced today that the airline would not proceed with previously-announced plans to fly to Chicago/O’Hare Airport due to an inability to secure “suitable gate space.” Cush explained that while there were gates available, “they all had a really bad vibe.”

When asked for further details, Virgin America spokesperson Abby “I don’t earn enough to deal with this crap” Lunardini said that they were in negotiations with United for terminal space, but that fell through. “We wanted to set up shop in that cool underground tunnel that goes between the B and C gates in United’s Terminal 1. Just replace that weird xylophone music with something more modern and you could really have a kickass rave down there.”

She added, “Once we found out that there was no way to actually board an aircraft from underground, we just gave up. I mean, all the other available space in that airport was lame. Besides, the tarmac at that airport has a bunch of oil stains which might mess up the Gucci tires on our planes.”

The City of Chicago confirmed that gates were offered to Virgin America at Terminal 5, the airport’s international facility, but the airline was “looking for something with a different atmosphere” than what they had available.

The airline has now said that it expects to announce a new city in the coming days. Analyst speculation has centered around Ibiza with double daily flights from both San Francisco and Los Angeles.

[Original photos from cmakin and curran.kelleher via Flickr]

Continental Airlines Launches New Ad Campaign: “Fly Continental: We’ll Give You 1/3 of a Turkey Sandwich”

ballstate — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 17:10:02 +0000

Continental Airlines rolled out its new advertising campaign with a large TV and online media buy designed to highlight the main points of differentiation between the Houston-based carrier and its competitors. Given the $82 million media buy it will be difficult for travelers in Houston or New York to miss seeing the campaign’s slogan, “Fly Continental: We’ll Give You 1/3 of a Turkey Sandwich” plastered nearly everywhere.

Continental executives said they were delighted that the campaign highlights the key reasons why people like to fly Continental. “On other carriers, you’re not going to get 1/3 of a turkey sandwich,” said Larry “Cheeseburger in a Plastic Bag” Kellner, the airline’s CEO. “You’re going to be forced to pay $5 for a full turkey sandwich. While you’re watching live television. And stretching your legs beyond your own nose. If that’s what you want, you can fly the other guys. But if you’re looking for 1/3 of a turkey sandwich, and based on our surveys business travelers are, Continental is your only choice. Especially if you’re flying from Majuro to Guam.”

Continental also announced that it will continue its 1/7th of a can of soda program on all its 757-200 and 757-300 aircraft.

Southwest Aircraft Grounded For Being Too Ugly

tbandeirante — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 17:00:29 +0000

FAA has decided to ground the Southwest Airlines 737 fleet due to “excessively ugly aircraft colors.”

This had to be done to save the eyes of the traveling public, said an FAA inspector who requested anonymity. “I mean who even chose these garish colors? Someone in maintenance was definitely asleep at the switch when this was allowed to happen,” said the inspector.

FAA is requiring Southwest to paint its fleet “in more soothing, passenger-friendly colors,” said the inspector. “We were thinking something along the lines of mauve/seafoam green or a lovely sage/saffron combo,” he said. “Doesn’t that sound just lovely?”

Southwest is working to come up with a compromise that will get its planes back into the air, said CEO Gary “I’m NOT Herb” Kelly. He declined further comment on the matter.

Boeing Turns to Model Airplane Builders, Weight Watchers for 787 Dreamliner Help

bngone — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 16:45:05 +0000

Boeing today announced that the giant commercial aircraft manufacturer had sought advice on building its new 787 Dreamliner from a most unusual group: model airplane hobbyists.

“During the strike, we had a lot of time on our hands. And after the third or fourth day of playing golf, you start to think about other things,” said Scott “Johnny” Carson, President of Boeing Commercial Airplanes. “As we thought about it, we realized that the plane’s composite structure essentially makes this the world’s biggest model airplane. So we trolled the Internet and found these model airplane dorks on this chat room. They’ve been in Seattle for a few weeks now, and these guys are amazing. They’ve fixed half the problems already. We’ve strained Testor’s model airplane glue manufacturing capabilities, but they’ve been real cooperative. I think it’s important to let you know that we had excellent ventilation in the facility so no one got high. We promised these guys’ parents we’d take good care of them.”

Carson continued, “We also brought in Weight Watchers to help us identify areas of excess weight. They created this amazing points system – for example, a set of avionics has the same number of points as a cabin ventilation duct. It really lets us focus on what matters. We’re really pleased.”

Boeing announced that, as a result of the work from the hobbyists and Weight Watchers, the aircraft would make its first flight by March 2009.